I've been thinking....scary I know

I've been thinking about how I really want to be a better person.


And how that isn't always easy...


I've always wanted to be better than I am...to be someone and something better than me...because to me....being me was never going to be good enough....like being just me was so awful that I needed to do everything possible to be.......anything but me.


My best friend growing up was Heather, we literally have been through EVERYTHING that two people can go through with one another. I challenge you to name something that we haven't gotten one another through.

In the same breath though...we've really hurt each other multiple times throughout the years, not always intentionally...and sometimes without ever knowing. I know this now...because we've finally talked about it. About how growing up we never felt that we measured up to one another. We are so different she and I....and yet so so alike.

In looks we couldn't be more different if we tried....she's about 5'9 and skinny skinny....blonde hair.....blue eyes.....a rail. lol She's not stacked per se....and has no ass(lucky her!) but she's always been a spitfire.

I'm 5'3 or 4' on a good day. NOT the least bit skinny...I'm curvy to say the least...Dark Dark almost black hair...and dark brown eyes....I'm stacked in the front and the rear....which made dealing with the opposite sex a real issue on top of that I was SO SO shy and quiet growing up...I was almost scared of my own shadow.

How did the two of us ever become friends?

You could look at her.......on the left in this photo....and then look at I....and you'd wonder...how are they friends?

This is at her daughters birthday party when we were probably 21 years old. Seeing as there are only a few months between our birthdays....honestly though we probably weren't even that old.

Her daughter, Aspen is my niece in every way that counts.....I couldn't love her more if one of my blood siblings was her parent...it just isn't possible...that little girl...she's something else and one day.....she's going to set the world on fire somehow...I already know this.

Back to the topic at hand though....there are times in your life when you hurt people that you care about....and you never even know it. Growing up I fostered a lot of resentment towards people because of things they said or did that made me feel inadequate. As an adult I've made the choice to let this anger and resentment go...Not always an easy task mind you....but one that I felt was necessary.

By trying to make these positive changes in my life...and letting go of all this old resentment and hate and fear and just thing sthat weren't in my control....I feel so much better. I feel better about myself...and about my life in general.

I've learned to actually talk to people when I have issues with them...or if they do or say something that isn't exactly what I'd like to hear......and to talk to people about our past problems. Let's go back to Heather......

We have like most sisters fought about boys, money, clothes, parents, stupid trivial things that really don't amount to much. We've always been able to put it on the back burner though if someone was attacking the other....we always knew that no matter what we were still going to be there for one another. That nothing was going to be able to get in the way and ruin our friendship and our relationship. We....both of us....almost ruined that this last year. We let too many other things get in the way of us. Finally though we sat and talked it all out...well at least most of it. And I think we both learned some things. Firstly...we've both been hurt by the other over the years. Numerous times.......the main thing I think we both learned....we'll always be there for one another...no matter what....so even if we are young..... or even if we have grown into women...and have lives and families of our own...it doesn't matter...we are going to be there for one another. Period...forever basically. It's like family. You know you're always going to be there....sometimes you just need to take the time to stop and think....and really consider what you have. And who you have in your life. And I wouldn't ever want to lose her. She is my sister. Now. Forever.